dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Randomize
