ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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