Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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