eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize
