I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
