why didn't you poke me back
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
