he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
So apparently I’m into choking now
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
