a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
