she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Just high enough for therapy.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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