the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Randomize
