His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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