So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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