she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
