just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
