I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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