Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
