And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Randomize
