I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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