the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
