Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
