My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
