Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
