I showed him my bush... on skype.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
