were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize