The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
