I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
