3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
