for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i love accidental penises.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
