My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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