he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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