I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Someone came in the potted fern
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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