dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
