i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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