I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
