maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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