Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
