Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
