YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
