I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Your cock deserves a montage
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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