Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
