why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
