Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
