Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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