Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
