He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
