Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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