Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
