When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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