Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
