I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
