My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize