he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
your like the ambassador to my penis.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
