i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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