Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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