bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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