The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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