Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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