I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
