I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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