jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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