Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
