Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
