my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
