In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
