If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
