Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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