There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Randomize
