Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
