Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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