Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize