I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
