my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Four minutes until I can fart!
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
