watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize