were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
