running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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