my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
You may now shotgun with the bride
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
