i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
